You Can’t Handle This Hot Sauce Review

From the get go, You Can’t Handle This Hot Sauce exists to trick you into experiencing pain. It all starts with the name. Sure it says “You can’t Handle This,” but it might well read “What are you, a pussy? I mean seriously, how can you expect to survive this hot sauce, especially while you’re still wearing that tutu?” It doesn’t help that the cartoon character on the bottle looks to be one part Asian stereotype, one part wimpy demon. Either way, he looks like someone who might wet himself before you could even get the chance to punch them out.

The thick, dark brown sauce has the look of what was once a robust barbecue, but has dulled in colored in the last couple of years since it was forgotten in the back corner of the storage space under your kitchen sink.

You can’t handle this hot sauce has a red vinegar base with molasses, onion and garlic on the list of ingredients before it even gets to the jalapeno peppers. Naturally, it smells like a barbecue sauce. You can pretty easily detect the jalapenos in the odor, but there is none of that slight burn you can sometimes get while taking a deep whiff of something with a lot of heat.

As the sauce seemed fit for barbecue, I used it as a dipping sauce for chicken nuggets. The small pool of sauce left what appeared to be an oil stain on my plate. That should have been a warning.

As expected, the first taste immediately delivers a slightly smoky flavor with hints of orange, despite the fruit not appearing on the ingredient list. You can easily detect the presence of the cinnamon and cloves that are listed.

Unfortunately, the flavor, while passably pleasant, does not last long before the heat pile drives its way through, on a collision course with your taste buds, leaving a scorched earth policy in your mouth that rivals that of the Soviet Union in World War II.

The heat, while extreme is not the sort of heat that necessarily causes you to sweet as you fall victim to hallucinations of a creepy old man in an opium den who cackles mercilessly as you struggle through the “elixir” he just sold you. 

The burn feels unnatural, and thus more hateful.

Although Jalapeno is the pepper used in the sauce, the key to the heat is the use of Oleoresin Capsicum, which is also known as pepper spray. That’s right, this sauce literally commits assault on your mouth.

So although the You Can’t Handle This Hot Sauce is extremely hot, it seems to be little more than pepper spray with just enough seasoning to disguise itself as a mediocre barbecue. Nevertheless, the flavor does make it work as an additive. It could very easily do well giving an extra kick to any barbecue dish you might be making, but for God’s sake don’t touch the stuff on its own.

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